Thursday, August 11th Recovery had been going well. My Mom ever so graciously took the entire week off to help me recuperate. The shot of Methotrexate had left me a bit weak and sore. Dylan was starting to get back into the routine of everyday life, while enjoying having his Nana to play with. I had finally gotten the “okay” to start nursing Dylan again after the 72 hour mark of having taken the potent drug. He and I both were happy to share snuggles and closeness that we had missed. I had still been having cramps and abdominal pain, but it was nothing like the week before, and I was told the pain was normal. However, around noon on this day, the pain changed. This particular day I was taking the opportunity of extra help with Dylan to get back to crafting! I was sitting at the kitchen table working on a onesie when my abdomen began cramping up. I started sweating a bit and I got up to take a small break. I stopped at the couch, unable to walk further and immediately curled over on the side of the couch. I called for Mom to worriedly tell her that I was hurting again and she asked what she could do. She distracted Dylan by taking him to play outside while I waited for the pain to pass. A short 10 minutes later it was gone. While alarmed by the return of the severe pain, I was already taking it easy, resting more, and taking pain medication; there wasn’t a whole lot more that I could do. We went about our afternoon, passing the time being entertained by our little ham. Soon Ryan was home from work, kindly whipping up a delicious dinner. Daddy, Dylan and I nestled in our big bed and took a short early evening nap together, then woke for bath time and bedtime. Our schedule was back to normal and we were happy about that.
Ryan and I got ready for bed and he tucked in to head to sleep. I still had a bit of energy so I kissed him, told him goodnight, and went and sat at the computer. Right as I sat down, I heard Dylan’s scared cry – he had been having nightmares every now and then. After 15 minutes of rocking, he was limp as could be; his face sweetly nuzzled into the crook of my neck. As I stood to put him in his crib the pain stabbed quick and deep into my belly. A cold sweat beaded up on my forehead as I lay him down gently. I rushed to the couch where I curled up in a ball, then got to all fours, then laid down; nothing helped. The panic set in again, and I hurried to the bed to wake Ryan. “I’m hurting and I’m scared,” I loudly exclaimed. He sat up in a flash and put his arms around me. I couldn’t still myself; desperately trying to find a position to take an edge off the agony. I flopped myself onto the floor and the sobbing began. The pain made me nauseous and Ryan tried to help me to the bathroom as I threatened throwing up. He called Dr. Elliot, the on-call doctor at my Gynecologist's office and he immediately told him to take me to the ER. He contacted his Mom and she quickly headed our way to watch over Dylan. My Mom flew out of bed and drove to the hospital to meet us there, voicing her worries that I needed an ambulance. My pain diminished enough for me to insist that I could make it in Ryan’s truck. He helped me into comfortable clothes and we headed to St. Francis. I was panicked that it was just gas pains – the pain medication had done a number on my digestive system. But with every stab, those fears went to the wayside. Ryan insisted that no matter what it was better to be safe and get checked out.
My Mom was there to help me into the hospital while Ryan found a parking spot. The ER waiting room was full of patients before me; I was sure it would take a while. But because I had been there exactly a week before, my name was surprisingly called very quickly. She and I sat in a triage room while I told my long story to the young nurse. She looked at my battered arms, and chose the less bruised to draw my blood for tests. I felt the color melt from my face; my veins were in protest! Then she led us to the triage waiting room to wait our turn to see the ER doctor. Ryan called to check on us as he sat outside; only one guest allowed at a time. My Mom told me stories to pass the time, and we observed the life of an RN to see what her future career would entail. Finally a room opened up and they let Ryan back to join us. He showed me videos and pictures of Dylan every time they came to draw my blood – it helped distract me from the pain. Around 4 am a familiar face came in our room – Dr. Curry recognized me immediately. She poked on my belly, and again was worried about blood in my abdomen. She agreed that I should be feeling much better by now, and ordered another ultrasound. I saw more familiar faces as the night continued; Janelle and I were both happy and sad to see each other under these circumstances. We chatted again about our babies and the excitement of her ever changing job, and she told me she wished we were talking over a beer at dinner. She had made sure I had a dose of Morphine before this ultrasound, and she held my hand again as the same Radiologist went through the motions. Mom and Ryan were relieved to see me appear with a dry face. The doctor’s presumption was right, there was still a lot of fluid in places it shouldn’t have been. She prepped me mentally for possible surgery, answering each of my nervous questions. I started shivering at the idea, as Ryan and Mom tried to calm me. Both of them were sad that I had to have surgery, but contented at the thought of ending this pain once and for all.
We were admitted to room 2109 in Labor and Delivery, the exact same room, the exact same nurses; this was starting to feel like Déjà vu! This time Ryan curled up on the sleeper couch and Mom headed home to catch up on sleep. Just as before I wasn’t allowed a bite to eat or even a sip of water, so the IV fluids were all I had to keep my hydrated. I tried counting the total number of needle sticks, but I couldn’t keep up. Friday morning turned into afternoon as we waited for my visit from Dr. Howerton. Around 1:00 she swiftly came in, evaluated my pain and decided surgery was a must. As I started to nervously cry she assured me that it was non-invasive and that she would take great care of me. I was at ease knowing that she would be the one to do the surgery – by my side every step of the way. I was quiet and in shock, but Ryan questioned every aspect of my future fertility. She explained that her goal was to try and take the ectopic pregnancy first then decide if my fallopian tube was salvageable. The only way she would do anything to put a solid end to my fertility was if it was life threatening at that very moment. There was no way to know exactly the outcome without looking inside me first. As she left, she assured me that she would see me for surgery very soon. Ryan and Mom both calmed me down as I cried. We got on our phones and rallied our troop of friends and family to start praying and sending good vibes our way.
At 4:00p.m. a boy in full operation scrubs, no older than myself led us to the surgery wing of the hospital. Howie welcomed us and introduced us to the anesthesiologist, and then Stuart my surgery nurse. They all assured me I was in fantastic hands and would be out before I knew it. Mom and Ryan gave me smiles of encouragement, then the three of us held hands as Ryan prayed for my safety. I kissed them goodbye and I was wheeled into the freezing operating room. My bed was lifted and Stuart helped me scoot onto the metal table. Dr. Howerton explained that she would make three incisions during my Laparoscopic surgery; two in my lower belly for the tools, and one in my belly button for the camera. My belly would be insufflated with carbon dioxide so she could move around and see better, and then she would remove the extra fluid and the ectopic pregnancy. Stuart asked if I was cold as my teeth chattered and my whole body shivered from nerves. I told him I was scared, and Dr. Howerton grabbed my hand and said that was normal, but there was nothing to worry about. Then she grinned and said “I’m gonna take some really cool pictures, want to see them later??” I laughed and said yes! A handsome young man peeked over the top of me and said he was going to give me some “really good stuff.” They put a mask over my face and while still holding my hand, Howerton told me to take deep breaths. I took two and then everything went black.
I slowly cracked open my eyelids, bright lights flooding my eyes. My body was numb, I almost felt paralyzed. A friendly looking blonde woman peered over me and told me in a soft southern drawl that my surgery "went great!" In a volume much louder than I anticipated I yelled "it's already over??!" She laughed and said "yes baby, it's over." She disappeared as quickly as she had appeared and I lay there quietly, trying not to drift back to sleep. I focused on the noises around me and realized I was surrounded by other patients in recovery. Many of them sounded as if they weren't in as good of shape as I was. I said a quick prayer for them and in thanks for my own successful surgery. My old friend Stuart came to my side and said it was time to head back to my room to see my family.
My Mom was waiting in my room when I was wheeled in on my bed. Ryan rushed through the door moments later, eager to hug me - the feelings were mutual! We all breathed a sigh of relief that the hardest part was behind us.
Ryan told me of his meeting with Dr. Howerton right after my surgery. She hugged him and told him the procedure had gone great. After the ectopic pregnancy was removed, it was clear to her that my right fallopian was irreparable. It had ruptured and split right down the middle. My abdomen was full of blood, which explained some of my pain, as well as shortness of breath. When not contained in veins and arteries, blood is an irritant, and it had inflamed many of my internal organs. The pressure of the liquid on my diaphragm had left me struggling to take deep breaths. She removed the blood, and preformed a Salpingectomy to remove my entire right fallopian tube. She reassured him as she held strong to her optimism for my future health as well as the future of my fertility. He graciously thanked her and hugged her again.
I had a few guests that evening. Chris and April came in from Edmond and perked me right up. My voice was raspy and my throat was dry from the tube that had been in my throat hours earlier. April sweetly gave me drinks of water every few minutes. We caught up on lost time, and I thanked them for the prayers and for the visit. It meant so much to me. My cousin Meggan came and stayed into the late hours of the evening. We sent Ryan home to get a good night of rest - he resisted leaving, but his tired eyes told a different story. I was happy knowing he could finally relax. Meggan, Mom and I talked for hours about surgery, loss, and the joys of pregnancy - we excitedly talked about the sweet little one she will bring into the world in five short months. I was happy to talk about anything other than myself. She left around midnight, and my Mom helped me prepare for bed. I could barely walk to the bathroom alone, so she was up and down granting my every request. The nurse gave me my medication to help me sleep, and apologized early for the numerous blood tests I was going to have through the next day.
My Mom was waiting in my room when I was wheeled in on my bed. Ryan rushed through the door moments later, eager to hug me - the feelings were mutual! We all breathed a sigh of relief that the hardest part was behind us.
Ryan told me of his meeting with Dr. Howerton right after my surgery. She hugged him and told him the procedure had gone great. After the ectopic pregnancy was removed, it was clear to her that my right fallopian was irreparable. It had ruptured and split right down the middle. My abdomen was full of blood, which explained some of my pain, as well as shortness of breath. When not contained in veins and arteries, blood is an irritant, and it had inflamed many of my internal organs. The pressure of the liquid on my diaphragm had left me struggling to take deep breaths. She removed the blood, and preformed a Salpingectomy to remove my entire right fallopian tube. She reassured him as she held strong to her optimism for my future health as well as the future of my fertility. He graciously thanked her and hugged her again.
I had a few guests that evening. Chris and April came in from Edmond and perked me right up. My voice was raspy and my throat was dry from the tube that had been in my throat hours earlier. April sweetly gave me drinks of water every few minutes. We caught up on lost time, and I thanked them for the prayers and for the visit. It meant so much to me. My cousin Meggan came and stayed into the late hours of the evening. We sent Ryan home to get a good night of rest - he resisted leaving, but his tired eyes told a different story. I was happy knowing he could finally relax. Meggan, Mom and I talked for hours about surgery, loss, and the joys of pregnancy - we excitedly talked about the sweet little one she will bring into the world in five short months. I was happy to talk about anything other than myself. She left around midnight, and my Mom helped me prepare for bed. I could barely walk to the bathroom alone, so she was up and down granting my every request. The nurse gave me my medication to help me sleep, and apologized early for the numerous blood tests I was going to have through the next day.
The phlebotomists came and went many times well into the next morning, but I obliged - happy that the worst of my pain was over. The sweet nurses whom I had grown close with over the past week kept me smiling and cheerful. I met with Dr. Elliot, Howerton's on call doctor, and he shared promises of a quick recovery, and discharged us. It was all over. Mom and I were beyond exhausted; the RN told us to get some uninterrupted sleep before we checked back into the real world. We didn't argue! Hours later we woke, ordered breakfast then waited for my wheelchair. The ride home was quick and nearly painless, my excitement to be home shadowing any other thoughts.
Just as the week before, Dylan smiled when he saw my face then forced a pout and walked past me. He had to let me know I was in trouble for leaving him for so long! My strict 24 hour breastfeeding ban didn't help my cause, but we quickly made nice and were again inseparable.
The past week has been full of family, kind words of worry as well as elation for my good health, sleep, crying, advice, and recovery. My family has brought us meals, entertained Dylan, and helped care for me. Ryan's Mom put aside her trip to New Mexico and has spent every day from morning to night helping with Dylan. I can't pick him up for two weeks, so the help has been a tremendous favor. Ryan will take the next week off to help as well.
Every day is a new type of recovery. I take upwards of twelve pills a day. The CO2 they pumped into my body left in the form of painful gas bubbles stuck in my chest and shoulders, and my wounds are tender. But just days after my surgery I am starting to feel normal again. As expected, my emotions have been running wild from this experience. Ryan and both of our sweet Mothers have comforted me through the tears as I worry about our future. The numbers still blow my mind. A staggering ONE percent of pregnancies are ectopic. Only TWO percent of those ectopic pregnancies exit by rupture of the fallopian tubes. Those statistics make me one in five thousand! The scariest statistic is that once an ectopic pregnancy occurs, the possibility of another increases tenfold. For the rest of my years of family making, I will always be considered high risk and my pregnancies will be monitored closely from conception.
I find solace from these numbers by turning our future over to God. No matter what happens, Ryan and I have each other, and we share the most amazing gift of all - our baby boy. Looking at his sweet face erases all my worries. If it ends up being just the three of us, I will still be a very lucky, blessed, and happy Mother!
Although they will never see this, I send thanks to every single person in the medical profession that took amazing care of me. I especially thank Dr. Howerton whose brilliance and compassion has gotten me through many important life changing events.
The past week has been full of family, kind words of worry as well as elation for my good health, sleep, crying, advice, and recovery. My family has brought us meals, entertained Dylan, and helped care for me. Ryan's Mom put aside her trip to New Mexico and has spent every day from morning to night helping with Dylan. I can't pick him up for two weeks, so the help has been a tremendous favor. Ryan will take the next week off to help as well.
Every day is a new type of recovery. I take upwards of twelve pills a day. The CO2 they pumped into my body left in the form of painful gas bubbles stuck in my chest and shoulders, and my wounds are tender. But just days after my surgery I am starting to feel normal again. As expected, my emotions have been running wild from this experience. Ryan and both of our sweet Mothers have comforted me through the tears as I worry about our future. The numbers still blow my mind. A staggering ONE percent of pregnancies are ectopic. Only TWO percent of those ectopic pregnancies exit by rupture of the fallopian tubes. Those statistics make me one in five thousand! The scariest statistic is that once an ectopic pregnancy occurs, the possibility of another increases tenfold. For the rest of my years of family making, I will always be considered high risk and my pregnancies will be monitored closely from conception.
I find solace from these numbers by turning our future over to God. No matter what happens, Ryan and I have each other, and we share the most amazing gift of all - our baby boy. Looking at his sweet face erases all my worries. If it ends up being just the three of us, I will still be a very lucky, blessed, and happy Mother!
Although they will never see this, I send thanks to every single person in the medical profession that took amazing care of me. I especially thank Dr. Howerton whose brilliance and compassion has gotten me through many important life changing events.
There is no denying the power of prayer during times like these.
From the bottom of my heart I give thanks to those that have prayed for my family and I now and throughout my recovery.
Anyone who reads this and has questions of curiosity, or because they too have experienced a situation similar to mine, please do not hesitate to contact me.
I would be so happy to talk with you!
Personal accounts of Ectopic Pregnancies both through stories and blogs have been so reassuring and interesting to read. Here are a few that I have found helpful.
4 comments:
Toni, you are soo very strong! I admire that about you! The power of God and prayer has proven itself! I loved reading this despite the topic. I love that your friends and family were there and still are there for you! If you need anything at all do not hesitate to get a hold of me. I'll always be here to help if you need me to! Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, I was worried about you. Stay strong and spend as much time with your family, church family and friends. That little man of yours makes me smile every time I see his picture. He is truly a gift from God!
I love you Toni and I'm here to support you!
Love, Ashley Eldridge
Toni, thank you so very much for sharing your powerful, beautiful story of hope and faith through such a terrible trial. There just is nothing like pregnancy loss, and nothing about it is easy. I know that your story will surely bless many, many mothers. I would love to share this also at stillbirthday, so that even more mothers can find hope and faith through their journeys. If you object, please just say so and I won't add it. Thank you, also, for including stillbirthday in your list of resources. That means a great deal to me personally. May you find continued healing....Heidi Faith
Heidi I would be honored for you to share my story. Blogs like yours were a big part of my healing process, and I thank you so much for having the courage to tell your story. My hope is that someone else grieving or experiencing a loss will read my blog and know they aren't alone. Thank you so much for your message, it means so much to me!
Toni, I am SO sorry for only just now seeing that you replied right away to my comment!!! I would be very honored to hold your story at stillbirthday. I've added your blog to this page: http://stillbirthday.com/bereavement-blogs/. I would also very much love to have your story with its own URL at the site, so if there are posts within your blog that I could have permission to share, please just let me know. Right after I publish your story, I will send you your URL. You can use the "Submit Your Story" link to let me know what I can add. I would love to draw more mothers to your inspirational story. (:
http://stillbirthday.com/your-stories/
With love,
Heidi Faith
Post a Comment